Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
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My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
I have so many questions.
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores