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I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
Breaking news:
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.