Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
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Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
This trial is so absurd 😭
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil