I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
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Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Close call…
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?