BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
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I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.