Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
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Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…