Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
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Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
Bring back the McRib
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.