Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
You Might Also Like
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
Traveler’s camo
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
men are simple creatures
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back