not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
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My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre