There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
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the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.