when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
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If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?