[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
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WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Actually cracking up @ this
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma