I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
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If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
the worm is coming from inside the brain
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
Hmm, not sure about this change
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL