Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
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Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15