Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
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If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
what it’s like dating me:
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
When ur friends with white people
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something