Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
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If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant