Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
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If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
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“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month