ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
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pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be