*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
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If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
shampoo implies shampee
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”