Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
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Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
I love twitter
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Note to self: always read the final line
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.