Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
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[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.