my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
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I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Help Wanted
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.