“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
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I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake