15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
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COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Warm pools make me nervous.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂