My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Mad Max Arctic Road
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
technically true but not a great slogan
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.