2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
You Might Also Like
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark