If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
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Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Autocarrot sucks!
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice