pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
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Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
I’m good, thanks.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
I love you…
…r dog.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points