[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
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coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
Gemma Correll
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Beware of the dog..
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
This is my favorite one of these!
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.