Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
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3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”