Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
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Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this