*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
You Might Also Like
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
Sign at work today
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
A woman drives into a bar.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up