My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
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Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?