My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
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Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.