This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
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If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious