When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
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Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots