Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
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Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
How to make infinite energy.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol