BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
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You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
We’ve all been there
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.