The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
You Might Also Like
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
My patronus is a cheeseburger
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?