The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
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In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.