You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
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Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Sex so good you see dead people.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.