ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
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Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
I had to Stop for this
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.