Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
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Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?