GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
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I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why