I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
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*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…