Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
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Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
So creative 😂
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.