-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
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Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
i meant to share this earlier
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.