Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
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ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.