A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
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Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
Kidney stones? Hard pass
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!