There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
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You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
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